Category Archives: shit I’m scared of

Midnight Munchkin Attack

Super Sexy Boyfriend Luke has two beautiful little girls who live with him two weeks out of the month. They’re his of course, I’m not saying he just has these cute random little girls who come and pester him and eat his food…that’s my job. I haven’t come up with clever nicknames for them yet, so I’ll just call them K & L.

I love them to death, but not having little ones of my own, there have been some things that have taken getting used to. Mostly the way that they’ll show up in his bedroom in the middle of the night. Not because of…reasons *nudge nudge wink wink*, but because they’re absolutely stealthy about it ¬†until they are RIGHT NEXT to the bed. Only then do they say something that wakes me up. And my un-baby-seasoned system, not accustomed to tiny people waking me up at night, is CONVINCED that anyone who is suddenly in the room MUST be an axe murderer.

K (silently moving across the house and appearing beside the bed): …………DADDY I FREW UP! ūüė¶

Me (jumping out of my skin into adrenaline pounding fight or flight mode because theres an invader in the room): AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

K:  AAAHH!*BAARFFF*

Oopsie.

I’m getting better though, earlier this week L came into the room crying¬†that her pillow pet wasn’t in her bed (it had fallen next to¬†the bed) and I did NOT leap up and try to karate chop her, so that’s an improvement.

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What have I agreed to??

When my aunt asked if I would be interested in joining her networking group, every fiber in my body said no, but for some reason, my mouth said yes. My mouth said yes because the photography phone has not been ringing like I would like it to and the idea of a bunch of strangers feeling obligated to refer people to me and/or use my services themselves sounds alright to me. Every other fiber of my body said no because I’m a complete introvert and networking meetings are what I imagine hell to be like. I went to one once and spent most of the time hiding in the bathroom.

Is 11am too early to start drinking? Because I don’t have a¬†prescription¬†for valium or xanax or any of that good stuff and I’m thinking it would definitely help. Also does anyone have any valium or xanax they’d like to share? Kidding… Sort of.

I’ve decided I should definitely practice my elevator speech so I don’t mess it up when I get there. Here’s what I have so far:

Hello, I’m Liz. I shoot people. Maybe you could be next. Thank you.

That’s just a rough draft, I’m open to suggestions.

 

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Turtle Burgers = Night Terrors

I’ve heard people say that eating rich foods before you go to bed can give you weird dreams, and I definitely think there’s something to that. Last night I had the freakiest flipping nightmare I’ve ever had and what had I eaten that night?

Oh, just a turtle burger.

When my super sexy boyfriend Luke first texted me if I knew what a turtle burger was I was a little…worried. I hadn’t a clue what he was talking about and I was afraid to google it for fear the text had stemmed from an inappropriate workplace conversation and they were something horrible akin to “blue waffles” or “lemonade parties” (FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T GOOGLE THOSE!). Turns out turtle burgers are perfectly safe to google as long as you’re not a vegetarian.

If you’re not familiar with turtle burgers they’re a seasoned ground beef patty, wrapped in cheddar cheese, wrapped in woven bacon, with cut hotdog limbs. It’s an adorable little heart attack!… Or a terrifying one if you go off of the pic I found on flickr of one and considering the horrifying night I had later.

08 Turkey Bacon Turtle Burger

Turtle burger, you scare the shit out of me…and not just because you’re kinda creepy looking.

Seriously y’all. This was a straight up horror movie. Like Paranormal Activity combined with one of the billion Saw movies (or at least I think, I don’t watch that scary shit!). I woke up at 4:30 in full fight or flight mode, woke super sexy boyfriend Luke up I was clinging to him so desperately, then made him turn on the lights, and then made him check my phone to make sure it wasn’t being controlled by a¬†demon¬†since that was part of the dream. And yes I realize that’s moderately to extremely crazy, but this was some SCARY SHIT!

While truthfully the turtle burger may not have had anything to do with it, it’s not like I’m super stressed or took some¬†seriously¬†hallucinogenic¬†drugs or ate the mushrooms in the yard, the only thing that was different than normal was the turtle burgers. So in the same way that I¬†unconsciously¬†blame Little Smokies¬†wieners¬†for me giving me the flu when I was 9, I blame turtle burgers for this¬†awful¬†dream.

What do you call fear of turtle burgers? Carnechelonaphobia?

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