Gibbs says: Rule #9

Special Agent Gibbs has been visiting me in my sleep…in a totally un-scandalous sort of way. Considering what a total NCIS nerd I am and my propensity for bizarre dreams I’m not really surprised I’m starting to get guest stars from the cast, I just am impressed by how horribly awkward my sleeping brain has managed to make them.

Dream #1

Paper or plastic?

I’m in line at the grocery store when I realize that Mark Harmon was my checker. We make extremely awkward small talk when I realize who he is. I say something along the lines of “Wow, I mean, you’re the star of a really popular tv series and you still have to get a second job at a grocery store to make ends meet? That….sucks.”

He stares at me for a minute then in total Gibbs fashion replies “…..yah.” <extremely awkward silence>

I awkwardly gather my groceries and as I turn to leave realize that the rest of the cast is waiting for him.  Dinozzo (not Michael Weatherly) gives me a look like what the fuck is wrong with you?? And I leave. The end.

As if that one wasn’t weird enough last night he showed up again. This time he made his appearance as Gibbs himself and he had a message for me: Shave your armpits “because no one wants to see that”.

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

PS: Just in case you’re as concerned as Gibbs about my grooming habits, I never don’t shave my arm pits. Now you know.

WTF Acronyms

The internet is full of  acronyms such as OMG WTF, which, coincidentally enough, is what what I say after seeing some of those acronyms. As nice as it is to shorten up phrases you’re using all the time, there really should be rules for making these things up, like, they can’t already be widely in use with a different meaning. Because when acronyms have multiple meanings, it gets awkward.

That being said, here’s a couple acronyms I’ve seen that you will NEVER see on this blog (at least, not used like that):

AF (aunt flow aka your PERIOD)- as a photographer this means Auto Focus and it always will. Even my lens agrees with it’s little af/mf button. I see woman writing about the problems they’re having with their “AF” and I’m like “JESUS CHRIST…my lens has never done that!!” If at any point your lens produces THAT kind of spotting, you probably should call the repair shop…or an exorcist.

STD (save the date)- this is a wedding term that should never ever be used. It makes me want to slap someone. If you don’t know what an STD actually is you aren’t ready to be married. Also you’ve probably never left the house. Save The Date cards are typically really cute and fun, can we not use an acronym that brings to mind itching and burning during urination (at best!)?

“OMG I just got Lindsay’s STD! I’m just itching for the wedding!”

DH (dearest/darling husband)- No. Just no. I get that ladies out there may not be as sports savvy as some, so let me explain: DH is Designated Hitter. It’s a baseball term. It has been for about five trillion years. If you ask your husband if he’s your DH he’ll probably give you a look that is partially terrified and partially confused…unless you’re the type that has a safe word in the bedroom, and then he’ll probably be like “I’ll get the paddle!!”

So please, for the love of god, if you all could come up with some alternate acronyms that would be awesome. If not for me, for the sake of your designated hitter.

What are some internet acronyms that make you want to stab someone with a fork?

 

PS: I use OpenOffice which tries to autofill longer words. Apparently I forgot to put a space when I typed “your PERIOD” which it immediately learned. So now every time I write “you” it’s like “Do you mean ‘yourPERIOD’??”. No OpenOffice. Just…no.

Turtle Burgers = Night Terrors

I’ve heard people say that eating rich foods before you go to bed can give you weird dreams, and I definitely think there’s something to that. Last night I had the freakiest flipping nightmare I’ve ever had and what had I eaten that night?

Oh, just a turtle burger.

When my super sexy boyfriend Luke first texted me if I knew what a turtle burger was I was a little…worried. I hadn’t a clue what he was talking about and I was afraid to google it for fear the text had stemmed from an inappropriate workplace conversation and they were something horrible akin to “blue waffles” or “lemonade parties” (FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T GOOGLE THOSE!). Turns out turtle burgers are perfectly safe to google as long as you’re not a vegetarian.

If you’re not familiar with turtle burgers they’re a seasoned ground beef patty, wrapped in cheddar cheese, wrapped in woven bacon, with cut hotdog limbs. It’s an adorable little heart attack!… Or a terrifying one if you go off of the pic I found on flickr of one and considering the horrifying night I had later.

Turtle burger, you scare the shit out of me…and not just because you’re kinda creepy looking.

Seriously y’all. This was a straight up horror movie. Like Paranormal Activity combined with one of the billion Saw movies (or at least I think, I don’t watch that scary shit!). I woke up at 4:30 in full fight or flight mode, woke super sexy boyfriend Luke up I was clinging to him so desperately, then made him turn on the lights, and then made him check my phone to make sure it wasn’t being controlled by a demon since that was part of the dream. And yes I realize that’s moderately to extremely crazy, but this was some SCARY SHIT!

While truthfully the turtle burger may not have had anything to do with it, it’s not like I’m super stressed or took some seriously hallucinogenic drugs or ate the mushrooms in the yard, the only thing that was different than normal was the turtle burgers. So in the same way that I unconsciously blame Little Smokies wieners for me giving me the flu when I was 9, I blame turtle burgers for this awful dream.

What do you call fear of turtle burgers? Carnechelonaphobia?