Tag Archives: insanity

WTF Acronyms

The internet is full of  acronyms such as OMG WTF, which, coincidentally enough, is what what I say after seeing some of those acronyms. As nice as it is to shorten up phrases you’re using all the time, there really should be rules for making these things up, like, they can’t already be widely in use with a different meaning. Because when acronyms have multiple meanings, it gets awkward.

That being said, here’s a couple acronyms I’ve seen that you will NEVER see on this blog (at least, not used like that):

AF (aunt flow aka your PERIOD)- as a photographer this means Auto Focus and it always will. Even my lens agrees with it’s little af/mf button. I see woman writing about the problems they’re having with their “AF” and I’m like “JESUS CHRIST…my lens has never done that!!” If at any point your lens produces THAT kind of spotting, you probably should call the repair shop…or an exorcist.

STD (save the date)- this is a wedding term that should never ever be used. It makes me want to slap someone. If you don’t know what an STD actually is you aren’t ready to be married. Also you’ve probably never left the house. Save The Date cards are typically really cute and fun, can we not use an acronym that brings to mind itching and burning during urination (at best!)?

“OMG I just got Lindsay’s STD! I’m just itching for the wedding!”

DH (dearest/darling husband)- No. Just no. I get that ladies out there may not be as sports savvy as some, so let me explain: DH is Designated Hitter. It’s a baseball term. It has been for about five trillion years. If you ask your husband if he’s your DH he’ll probably give you a look that is partially terrified and partially confused…unless you’re the type that has a safe word in the bedroom, and then he’ll probably be like “I’ll get the paddle!!”

So please, for the love of god, if you all could come up with some alternate acronyms that would be awesome. If not for me, for the sake of your designated hitter.

What are some internet acronyms that make you want to stab someone with a fork?

 

PS: I use OpenOffice which tries to autofill longer words. Apparently I forgot to put a space when I typed “your PERIOD” which it immediately learned. So now every time I write “you” it’s like “Do you mean ‘yourPERIOD’??”. No OpenOffice. Just…no.

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Midnight Munchkin Attack

Super Sexy Boyfriend Luke has two beautiful little girls who live with him two weeks out of the month. They’re his of course, I’m not saying he just has these cute random little girls who come and pester him and eat his food…that’s my job. I haven’t come up with clever nicknames for them yet, so I’ll just call them K & L.

I love them to death, but not having little ones of my own, there have been some things that have taken getting used to. Mostly the way that they’ll show up in his bedroom in the middle of the night. Not because of…reasons *nudge nudge wink wink*, but because they’re absolutely stealthy about it  until they are RIGHT NEXT to the bed. Only then do they say something that wakes me up. And my un-baby-seasoned system, not accustomed to tiny people waking me up at night, is CONVINCED that anyone who is suddenly in the room MUST be an axe murderer.

K (silently moving across the house and appearing beside the bed): …………DADDY I FREW UP! 😦

Me (jumping out of my skin into adrenaline pounding fight or flight mode because theres an invader in the room): AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

K:  AAAHH!*BAARFFF*

Oopsie.

I’m getting better though, earlier this week L came into the room crying that her pillow pet wasn’t in her bed (it had fallen next to the bed) and I did NOT leap up and try to karate chop her, so that’s an improvement.

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A great cat name, or the best cat name of all time?

Four score and seven years ago, back when I was living in a McMansion with no furniture, I worked with my best friend “Roo” in a pet food store. We didn’t sell animals at The Pet Food Store which was cool because my view of puppy stores is about the same as puppy mills, which is about the same as cancerous sores. What we did do isadopt out kittens and cats through a local rescue which is way more awesome because the kitties come fixed & with all their shots. And also because we could decide not to give you a cat if you say “supposedly” “supposably”. Just kidding, we would never turn someone down for saying “supposably”, but drop an “irregardless” and you are right out.

All of our kitties also came with names that are usually picked by the rescue. The rescue sucked at naming cats. One kitty we had was named (100% serious about this)… Catcat. I desperately wanted someone cool to adopt Catcat just so that she could get the dignity of a decent name.

I shared my hope for Catcat to a cat loving customer. “Well,” he said “Its better than Clamidia.” which is a difficult point to argue since MOST things are better than a venereal disease but begs the question …WHAATT??!?!

Apparently he had been at a shelter and came upon a cat that the rescue had named (you guessed it) Clamidia. And they could NOT figure out what he found so funny. We, on the other hand, thought it was hilarious and fantastically awkward. Imagine the awesomeness/terrible misunderstandings a name like that would lead to:

I went to the cat rescue and got Clamidia.

My wife was lonely so I got Clamidia for her.

I paid $100 to get Clamidia.

Now that we have Clamidia our house feels like a home.

Awesome.

My best guess was that someone thought they were naming her after a flower and were terribly, terribly wrong. Either that or they totally got it and were in the back making jokes like we were:

That last couple looked like they were interested in getting Clamidia.

We could give Clamidia to that old woman!

We finally got rid of our Clamidia.

I would totally adopt that cat and keep her name. I’d call her Clap for short.

As for having the best cat name of all time, Clamidia only has one contender that I’ve heard of, and its tough competition: Roo’s former cat, Poonani.

I could go there, I really could, but I won’t.

You’re welcome.

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Turtle Burgers = Night Terrors

I’ve heard people say that eating rich foods before you go to bed can give you weird dreams, and I definitely think there’s something to that. Last night I had the freakiest flipping nightmare I’ve ever had and what had I eaten that night?

Oh, just a turtle burger.

When my super sexy boyfriend Luke first texted me if I knew what a turtle burger was I was a little…worried. I hadn’t a clue what he was talking about and I was afraid to google it for fear the text had stemmed from an inappropriate workplace conversation and they were something horrible akin to “blue waffles” or “lemonade parties” (FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T GOOGLE THOSE!). Turns out turtle burgers are perfectly safe to google as long as you’re not a vegetarian.

If you’re not familiar with turtle burgers they’re a seasoned ground beef patty, wrapped in cheddar cheese, wrapped in woven bacon, with cut hotdog limbs. It’s an adorable little heart attack!… Or a terrifying one if you go off of the pic I found on flickr of one and considering the horrifying night I had later.

08 Turkey Bacon Turtle Burger

Turtle burger, you scare the shit out of me…and not just because you’re kinda creepy looking.

Seriously y’all. This was a straight up horror movie. Like Paranormal Activity combined with one of the billion Saw movies (or at least I think, I don’t watch that scary shit!). I woke up at 4:30 in full fight or flight mode, woke super sexy boyfriend Luke up I was clinging to him so desperately, then made him turn on the lights, and then made him check my phone to make sure it wasn’t being controlled by a demon since that was part of the dream. And yes I realize that’s moderately to extremely crazy, but this was some SCARY SHIT!

While truthfully the turtle burger may not have had anything to do with it, it’s not like I’m super stressed or took some seriously hallucinogenic drugs or ate the mushrooms in the yard, the only thing that was different than normal was the turtle burgers. So in the same way that I unconsciously blame Little Smokies wieners for me giving me the flu when I was 9, I blame turtle burgers for this awful dream.

What do you call fear of turtle burgers? Carnechelonaphobia?

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Oh Shiitake!

I’m growing magical mushrooms in my front yard. Not on purpose of course, unless you count grossly neglecting basic lawn care until mushrooms start growing as “on purpose”. I know this because yesterday when I came home from running errands in town I found my 60 year old neighbor from across the cul- da-sac yelling at a stoner kid….in my front yard. Their argument went as follows:

SharonP: THEY’RE PSYCHEDELIC MUSHROOMS!!
Stoner Kid (in the most stoner kid voice you can imagine): they’re not psychedelic, man, they’re totally not!
SharonP: PSYCHEDELIC MUSHROOMS!!1!!ONE!
StonerKid: they’re for my biology class-
SharonP: I’M CALLING THE POLICE!!!

And with that StonerKid got on his bike took his “not psychedelic” mushrooms and got the heck out of there, flipping Sharon and I the bird as he sped away. I was still standing in my driveway blinking in confusion as to what had just happened.

Later Sharon came over to point out my magical mushrooms to me. I ohhed and ahhed and acted very shocked, but the truth is I had actually suspected that they were magical mushrooms when I first saw them the day before. Not because I know what magical mushrooms look like (I can quite honestly say I’m totally clueless with anything drug related and plan to remain so), but because I had heard the entire neighborhood has issues with magical mushrooms growing in the lawns and the trespassing dirty hippies that go along with them.

Truthfully, I find that pretty awesome, not because I’m pro dirty hippy or magical mushroom, but because this is probably the nicest neighborhood in Monroe. People think they’re very fancy living in their fancy boxes made of ticky tacky…and the lawns are infested with magical mushrooms and dirty hippies.

Is it wrong that I kinda want them back? I mean, it’s not like I’m going to EAT them, it’s just on principle! You don’t see me showing up in front of StonerKids house yurt and taking things out of HIS yard whatever it is that hippies have instead of yards, do you?

So I guess my task for tomorrow is to rid my lawn of mushrooms, which should be pretty easy, all I really need to do is mow the lawn, plus a little fungiside I think. The drum circle and sit in are going to be a little tougher to eliminate though, anyone have ideas on that?

PS: Side note this is what I found when I googled “hippie yard” to try to figure out what it is that hippies have instead of yards http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Nocturnal_Hippie_Artist

Awesome. “The Chair Incident” is my favorite part, although I can’t say I remember that happening to me.

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